Mystery Manor Adventure Forum

I haven't done these in a while, so here's a small collection from Anguished English.

Holy definition:
"An epistle is the wife of an apostle."

At the supermarket:
"Stock up and save.
Limit: one."

At the bookstore:
"Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books."

At the hotel:
"For rent: Bridal suite.
Adults only."

At a Japanese electronics shop:
"You want it, we had it."

Sport commentator:
"Wrigley Field - it sort of reminds you of some of the old ballparks."

Damn, I always need the non-existent books.

In the courtroom:
Q: "Were you, too, shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Excuses:
"He has never done anything like that, and he won't ever do it again."

Botany 101:
"This looks just like the American deadly lampshade."

Botany 201:
"Anthropologists attest that many of our most popular plants have their roots in Africa."

Coaching 101:
"I told my players that they had nothing to be ashamed of. They could hang their heads high."

Wallace & Gromit would love it:
"In Venice the people travel around the canals on gorgonzolas."

Unclassifiable ads:
"Wanted: Used paint."

"Classified: An unexpected vacancy for a knife-thrower's assistant. Rehearsals start immediately."

Medical truth:
"Kicking baby said to be healthy."

Church bloopers:
"We are especially grateful that when Sister Dora was at death's door, the Lord and her doctors pulled her through."

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. White to come forward to lay an egg on the altar."

"Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."

"A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow."

Hee hee - classic!

Definitely believe in hanging my head high. Now I just have to find a cure for the crick in my neck!

My first thought with the used paint ad was, "I'll sell you the paint, but it'll cost you $150,000 for the house attached to it."

Directions on a package of Silly Putty:
"Do not use as earplugs." (You just know some fool tried it.)

School stuff:
"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

"In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many Hs as Os."

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it gets."

Oops!:
"I stood on the beach as the serf blew in my face."

"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."

"I don't believe in heaven or hell, but I do believe in puberty."

"He sees things from an unusual vintage point."

Mixed metaphor:
"He bends overboard to be fair."

At my age, I'm definitely seeing things from "a vintage" point.

I am, too, Diat.

Medical Facts:
"The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband."

"Statistics show that teenage pregnancies drop off significantly after age 25."

"Patient states he hit his head on his forehead."

Headline:
"Nevada Has Water But It Can't Be Used Until Found"

Faint Praise:
"Mr. Peabody was elected and has accepted the position of church warden. We could not get a better man."

Restaurant Signs:
"Shakespeare's Pizza-Free Chopsticks"

"Choice of dressing: Italian, ranch, blew cheese"

Courtroom Testimony:
Q. "Did the perpetrator have facial hair?"
A. "Yes. Eyebrows."

Q. "Mr. Gonzales, where do you live?
A. "Mexia, Texas."
Q. "Have you lived in Mexia all your life?"
A. "Not yet."

I think it's about time I added to this thread.

Wrong Word
"The women's basketball team earned a birth in the finals."

"He's a self-defacating person. That's why I admire him so much."

"It always seemed to me that death must be the most exiting of all adventures."

"I resent your insinuendoes!"

School Stuff
"Planet - a body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Two hardships of the Civil War were the Monitor and the Merrimack."

"They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer."

Silly Signs
"Flea Market, No Dogs"

In the Mammoth Caves in Virginia:
"Bottomless pit, 175 feet deep"

In a Baltimore restaurant:
"All food must pass through the cashier before entering the dining room."

I shudder to think what the opposite of 'self-defacating' is. Possibly it has to do with the cashier in Baltimore?

I missed that bit of news, Diat, so I can't comment. However, I do think insinuendo is a great word.